Conflict Runner; abandonment of self

Google says “Conflict; to be incompatible or at variance; clash. A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.”

Google also says “Confrontation; a hostile or argumentative situation or meeting between opposing parties.”

This is definitely giving off some negative connotations which isn't surprising considering when there is a hint of disagreement in the air I go straight into dismissal of my own feelings and attempt to extinguish any red alerts immediately. However, I am starting to learn that this is a behavioural pattern that is actually hindering my own self growth and learning capacities. Conflict and confrontation can actually be very helpful when devising creatively. 

Disagreements are an inevitable and normal part of any human relationship, whether it be work, friendships or lovers. Disagreements can lead to better creative decisions, opportunities for growth and learnings, and a more inclusive work space. The issue is that a lot of people have experienced a lot of unhealthy conflict, leaving a fear based response. If you are a people pleaser like me this first step is going to be hard; I need to let go of wanting to be liked. As I write this I don’t even know where to begin. A big value of mine is being kind, which can often slip into putting other’s needs above my own and never confronting them with my real feelings. However, this is unfair for both myself and the other. Instead of trying to increase my likability with someone, it’s essential to start focusing on respect, both giving and earning it. (It's always a two way street.)

Unhealthy conflict looks like and can include;

• Defensiveness

• Personal attacks

• Negative emotions

• No compromise or resolution

Instead of looking at conflict as “you vs me”, Addy Osmani encourages people to view it as “you+me VS the problem” encouraging cooperation and mutual respect. This has really changed my perspective as it takes the personal out of it. It allows for an individual to not BE their thoughts/opinions, leaving room to shift. This will lead to better compromise and make the issue the main focus of the discussion.

Even now I am noticing a confrontation with my own thoughts. My thoughts "No no no, just stay being nice and just become better at letting things go, you want to be easy to work with don't you?" In the performing arts world it is normal to think that you are wrong and that the leader of the project is correct. We are taught to not be 'difficult' to work with as if you are you won't be hired. It's not a fantastic representation to be teaching people coming into the community as I just don't think it's entirely true. When in a creation for a new work, the people who appropriately question choices and put forward new ideas are usually the people who a choreographer will re-hire. It takes a lot of awareness, critical thinking and understanding to challenge and enter discussions around creative choices. Sometimes the rebuttal will be stronger and that is fine, it isn't personal. The conversation may have even solidified otherwise unknown choices.

Thinking critically and using your voice is needed to grow and to communicate better with those around. My next step is going to be working on my tone as I have heard from my partner sometimes it is misleading and can cause harm to my point, hahaha.